Wednesday, January 15, 2003

Hoosier Daddy

The good people of Indiana are, for reasons I've never understood, a little wacky on the subject of their home state. No one from Indiana is ever just from Indiana, no sir. "I'm a Hoosier!" they'll gleefully exclaim, as if being a Hoosier were akin to being an Olympic gold medalist or next-in-line to the throne. The more exuberant of these folks use their home state like credentials, handing out business cards that might read something like, "John Doe, Hoosier, M.D.," and putting things like "Current Hoosier" or "Lifelong Hoosier" under the "Special Skills and Qualifications" section of a job application.
How I envy these sweetly daft souls! How content I would be to be known for being a bit wacky about where I live, instead of trying to content myself with living in a state known to be peopled by the just plain wacky! A state that seems to get more demented, more deranged, and downright ridiculous by the minute!

Like the whole Hoosier phenomenon, I've never understood how a place as big and as grand as this place once was could let itself go, could let itself be taken over by lunatics. I'm not the only one who's noticed, either: In a Letter to the Editor just last week, a local gentleman very eloquently eulogized the apparent loss of our sanity, asking if others had "ever thought the same."

I don't know about anyone else, mister, but I sure have! Bless you; just knowing that more of my kind are out there, that there are other refugees from the plant Common Sense walking this state (the same state, incidentally, that produces the ridiculous commercials lamented in your letter), is a comfort.

We're also the same state with the highest health, home and car insurance premiums, thanks to a system that favors irresponsible, uninsured motorists, illegal aliens, and litigation-happy crackpots over people from our planet. I had the audacity to submit a homeowner's insurance claim and was - as you knew I would be - promptly canceled.
And "stupid voting" did indeed land us in the fix we're in; we're the king of stupid voting!

Perhaps it's because we have more morons per capita than any other state. What other people in the land would take their political cues from Sean Penn? Would say, "Well, if Sean says Iraq's weapon-free, then Iraq must be weapon-free."

What other people would give a baby to the highest bidder (think Michael Jackson, who, let's be honest, will never be mistaken for Ozzie Nelson - or even Robert Young.)
What other people would purport to stand for peace while wearing the hue, if not the cry, of the Black Panthers, the plague, and an insidious lung disease?

Add to this the fact that we give the looniest among us the choicest judicial posts, ensuring our madness in perpetuity. As if being home to the judge who ruled in favor of a bitter ex-husband at the expense of the Pledge of Allegiance wasn't embarrassing enough, we're also the proud owners of the court that recently decided it would deny any judge who supported the Boy Scouts a bench. What next? Will golfers be forced to renounce the evils of Augusta before getting a cart? Will public schoolchildren caught saying "Christmas vacation" forfeit their right to a winter break?

Anything's possible in the land that set O.J. free. And I'd probably be a little spooked if I thought I was alone. But now that I know I'm not, well, nyah, nyah, nyah, you nut-jobs, you. Catch me if you can.

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